It has been quite some time since I have posted. Honestly, it is because of all the “jumbled notions” going on inside of my head that I have had a hard time processing. Life has been totally crazy. Since the last time I posted, Blake graduated from flight school, we moved to a new state (mind you a DITY while I was in my third trimester), and had a baby. So again I say– life has been CRA-zy.
You know, I am so baffled by events that have taken place over the last few months that I have found myself at a loss of words (HA!, that may be a first). But for now, I will recount the events of the birth of our son. Please bear with me and extend some grace if this post seems chaotic, sporadic, and perhaps messy.
My due date for this pregnancy was set for August 27. By week 35 of my pregnancy, I already looked like I would birth a cow. It was a thousand degrees– okay maybe it was only 98 with 100% humidity– but I think it all feels about the same. We had just moved all 10,000 pounds (and that is the honest truth) of our belongings and I was in full blown nesting stage. Contractions became intense but irregular on August 21. The next day, it would come in waves. I would contract every few minutes for an hour and then it would stop. I was hydrating and walking and I’m sure my new neighbors thought I had lost my mind doing circles around our block.
That night around 11 pm I passed a large clot. Because of my miscarriage history, I went into panic. I called my doula, Doris, and bless her- I even sent her pictures. She had me go on to the hospital and meet her there. The cause of the bleeding was unknown and continuous so they admitted me and started the Pitocin. Doris looked at me and said, “You are going to have this baby before you leave.” WHAT?!? I did not come prepared for this. Just before I left the house, I had thrown a pair of underwear, a gown, and a onesie into a bag because I had yet to packed a single thing. We had not even installed our new carseat!
Labor came in full force. I was so thankful for Doris as she talked me through each contraction. She had me doing things I didn’t know I was capable of. Who knew I could do a squat at 39 weeks pregnant in the middle of a contraction? I felt pretty calm and optimistic that I could continue without an epidural.
Then the back labor came. Oh dear. I have NEVER known pain like that. My sweet little baby (he was unnamed at this point) was sunny-side up. The pain was mind-numbing and I was begging for some kind of relief. After the epidural my body relaxed. My water had broke, I was progressing, and a successful VBAC looked promising. Around 3 pm on Sunday, Baby’s heart rate would drop during an intense contraction. They backed off the Pitocin hoping that it would help. We were back on track as Baby seemed happy once again. This happened 2 more times. I had reached 100% effacement and 7cm dilated but Baby became more dissatisfied. I laid on both sides, my back, and they even had me set up for a period of time to try and encourage him to move past the “0” point. He was over it.
Around 11:30pm, my room flooded with 3 doctors, many nurses, and the anesthesiologist. It was imminent that a repeat c section had to happen. I broke down into a gut wrenching sob. I was incredibly disappointed with myself and my body for not being able to do something I wanted so badly. Blake, my mom and Doris were all there reassuring and encouraging me. Fear overwhelmed me as I had now been in labor for 25 hours and was soon to be in surgery.
I have never shaken so hard for so long. I was so worked up, anxious, fearful, excited, nervous, and ready to have my baby. The surgery went on without a hitch and after midnight Ace Silas was born. August 24.
I have to pause. August 24. That date may not mean anything to you but for me it was a day I will never forget. August 24, 2014 is the day that I miscarried our second child. A year to date later, I gave birth to our third child, my sweet Ace Silas. I cannot call this coincidence. This my friend, is the divine plan of God. I will forever be convinced that this was the Lord showing off in a really big way. A day that is marked with devastation and loss is also painted with life, beauty and abundance of thankfulness. Here is where I find myself- standing in awe of my Heavenly Father.
“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
His mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is Your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:22-23
jumblednotions 